98
98
tv
eye 98
favorite 0
quote 0
principal obama says the bridge is 0% complete. (laughter) folks, i can see why the administration hadn't got the health care web site up to speed yet-- because they clearly have other priorities. >> every thanks giving the president chooses one turkey to pardon. >> well, tonight president obama is letting you influence the decision by voting on line. >> uncle sam needs you to vote. so do these turkeys, caramel and popcorn, the finalist for national thanksgiving turkeys. only one bird can hold the title. you can vote online. stay tuned to see who wins. >> stephen: oh, i understand why healthcare.gov is screwed: obama needed his a-team to work on turkeycare . gobble. (laughter) here's how it works. you see, the presidential turkey pardon this year was decided by an online vote. it's like "hot or not" where hot is defined as 375 degrees for three hours. (laughter) what a waste of america's time, ladies and gentlemen! because any fool can see that popcorn is the better turkey! i mean, just look at the actual stats they provide right o
principal obama says the bridge is 0% complete. (laughter) folks, i can see why the administration hadn't got the health care web site up to speed yet-- because they clearly have other priorities. >> every thanks giving the president chooses one turkey to pardon. >> well, tonight president obama is letting you influence the decision by voting on line. >> uncle sam needs you to vote. so do these turkeys, caramel and popcorn, the finalist for national thanksgiving turkeys. only...
879
879
Dec 10, 2013
12/13
by
COM
tv
eye 879
favorite 0
quote 0
soon obama could be giving that loser caramel what he's got coming to him. hopefully letting popcorn watch. he earned it. (laughter) now, speaking of the holidays, folks, i want to wish you all a merry sooner monday! and for any non-christian viewers. happy robot chanukah. now, i spent my cyber monday cyberring on amazon.com because i love their overnight delivery service. i like to snuggle under the covers with the happy thought that in the next three hours my new three-speed can opener will move to a different warehouse. amazon's overnight delivery of such items as 15 foot trampolines and $25,000 84 inch televisions has one fatal flaw. it takes forever! (laughter) if i have to wait until tomorrow for my items to arrive there goes tonight's plans to watch "monday night football" while doing back flips on my trampoline. (laughter) fortunately, amazon c.e.o. and billionaire busytown worm jeff bezos -- (laughter). he gets that this is a problem and is he's doing something to solve it. >> these are octocopters. these are effectively tkrepb bus there's no reason
soon obama could be giving that loser caramel what he's got coming to him. hopefully letting popcorn watch. he earned it. (laughter) now, speaking of the holidays, folks, i want to wish you all a merry sooner monday! and for any non-christian viewers. happy robot chanukah. now, i spent my cyber monday cyberring on amazon.com because i love their overnight delivery service. i like to snuggle under the covers with the happy thought that in the next three hours my new three-speed can opener will...
144
144
tv
eye 144
favorite 0
quote 0
half of them have occurred during the obama administration. only 23 district court nominations have been filibustered in the entire history of our country, 23. you know what? 20 of them have been in the last four and a half years. >> stephen: hey, republicans wouldn't have to block them if obama nominated conservatives, like, say, republican senator chuck hagel. i mean, that guy-- what's that? they filibustered him, too? well, that just proves they're bipartisan. they'll filibuster anyone obama nominates. ( laughter ) and we can't trust the democrats with all this powers, folks. they can't do anything right. at harry reid's press conference announcing the end of the filibuster, they misspelled filibuster with two "ls." ( laughter ) that says philly-busters, which i assume are cops who arrest female horses. ( laughter ) and i don't even believe the democrats are really against the filibuster. because their poster clearly says they're again-sts this spem. but they niewkd it. they went ahead and niewkd it. what's going to happen in washington now
half of them have occurred during the obama administration. only 23 district court nominations have been filibustered in the entire history of our country, 23. you know what? 20 of them have been in the last four and a half years. >> stephen: hey, republicans wouldn't have to block them if obama nominated conservatives, like, say, republican senator chuck hagel. i mean, that guy-- what's that? they filibustered him, too? well, that just proves they're bipartisan. they'll filibuster anyone...
75
75
tv
eye 75
favorite 0
quote 0
the obama administration is waging a war on cursive, or possibly a wayne on lursive, it's kind of hard to tell. didn't quite finish that there. that's why i'm giving a big tip of the hat to the penmanship patriots over at the campaign for cursive whose logo is, naturally, a disembodied human brain with eyes and a mouth giving a thumbs up saying cursive is cool. it is easy to remember because it will haunt your dreams. as handwriting teacher jan olson points out there are plenty of reasons to keep cursive around. >> cursive is the fluid style of writing. the connections makes the letters flow together and it is actually faster for students to write and get their thoughts down on paper. >> stephen: yes, it is so much faster. i mean look how quickly that child wrote a-r. she-- think about it. that was like-- 11 seconds. and now she's almost a third of the way through arduous. (laughter) plus as master penman michael sull explains cursive connects kid to our nation's history saying they won't be able to read the constitution, the declaration of independence or anything written during the c
the obama administration is waging a war on cursive, or possibly a wayne on lursive, it's kind of hard to tell. didn't quite finish that there. that's why i'm giving a big tip of the hat to the penmanship patriots over at the campaign for cursive whose logo is, naturally, a disembodied human brain with eyes and a mouth giving a thumbs up saying cursive is cool. it is easy to remember because it will haunt your dreams. as handwriting teacher jan olson points out there are plenty of reasons to...
201
201
Dec 10, 2013
12/13
by
COM
tv
eye 201
favorite 0
quote 0
. >> what a sad story, president obama would want me to give new handout. >> ha, i'm actually a journalist portraying a no good scammer. now i'm going to blow this 20 bucks on a cadillac full of my welfare queen baby mammas. >> hi, i'm stephen colbert of the colbert report stephen colbert. you see how easy that was? it only took jay one second to give me 20 dollars. that is $72,000 an hour or $150 million a year. tax-free. and guess what, folks, it wasn't even real. just imagine how much money i would have if i were really homeless. >> can i have my 20 dollars back. >> no, jay, they need to learn. now quick, put these on. five, six, seven, eight. i hear those sleigh bells jingling, ring ting tingling too ♪ ♪ oh it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together you with ♪ ♪ >> stephen: welcome back. welcome back, everybody. folks, if you had followed-- you would know that i, stephen colbert, am no stranger to award ceremonies. i won emmies, my peabody, a few writers and producers guild awards and back in 2002 i took home miss congeniality on dvd but i won it in a raf sole it still coun
. >> what a sad story, president obama would want me to give new handout. >> ha, i'm actually a journalist portraying a no good scammer. now i'm going to blow this 20 bucks on a cadillac full of my welfare queen baby mammas. >> hi, i'm stephen colbert of the colbert report stephen colbert. you see how easy that was? it only took jay one second to give me 20 dollars. that is $72,000 an hour or $150 million a year. tax-free. and guess what, folks, it wasn't even real. just...